Those of you with sensitive natures may want to avoid this entry.
I’ve never been able to tell jokes. I’m not a good orator under any circumstance. I can, however, appreciate a good joke, especially a good joke told well.
As a public service — and because I have nothing better planned for today — here are the best jokes from the bunch, as determined by my gut. These are the ones that made me laugh out loud. (But please, when you’ve finished, go visit the site. There are plenty of others that might make you laugh even harder.)
These were all posted by various visitors to Defective Yeti. None of these are mine. If you’re worried one (or more) of these might offend you, turn back now!
Person 1: Knock knock.
Person 2: Who’s there?
Person 1: Control freak.
Person 1: Now you say “control freak who?”
Q: What’s the difference between the Vietnam War and the Iraq War?
A: George W. Bush had a plan to get out of the Vietnam War.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One turns to the other, and says “Does this taste funny to you?”
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen.” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “That driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off — go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
What has four legs and one arm?
A pit bull in a playground.
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.
What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn’t matter, he won’t come anyway.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
[I think this first made me laugh in third grade. It still makes me laugh:]
Why do ducks have flat feet?
To put out burning camp fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To put out burning ducks.
[I’ve resisted the urge to include lawyer jokes, but only because I didn’t find many of them:]
What do you call 10,000 drowned lawyers?
A good start.
Two atoms are leaving a bar when one realizes that he left his electrons back in the bar. His friend asks, “Are you sure?” “Yes,” he replies. “I’m positive!”
What’s the opposite of Christopher Reeves?
Q: Someone that knows three languages is trilingual. Someone that knows two languages is bilingual. So what do you call someone that only knows one language?
A: An American.
Q: What do you do if Michael Jackson is drowning?
A: Throw him a buoy.
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator says: “Calm down, I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: “OK, now what?”
Little Red riding Hood is walking through the forest on the way to see her grandmother. She sees the wolf crouching down beside the track. “What big eyes you have!” she says. “Get lost,” says the wolf, “I’m taking a crap.”
[This only makes sense if you’ve seen the film Mary Poppins:]
In the course of his religious career, Ghandi walked all over India — barefoot. He also ate very sparingly and, sorry to say, oral hygiene was not at the top of his agenda. He was the super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
[For some reason, I’m a sucker for lightbulb jokes. Who knew?]
How many Mexicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
How many lesbians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Three. One to screw the lightbulb in and two to sing a folk song about it.
[Kris says the above is not funny, but Nick and I think it is…]
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
THAT’S NOT FUNNY!
How many psychics does it take to change a lightbulb?
That’s not funny at all.
How many actors does it take to change a lightbulb?
Ten. One to change it, nine to say they could have done it better.
How many divas does it take to change a lightbulb?
One. The diva holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
How many psychiatrists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
It only takes one, but the lightbulb has to want to change.
How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
LET’S RIDE BIKES!
Jesus is sitting in a square in Nazareth, when a crowd approaches. They throw a woman, bound and beaten, at his feet. A man at the front says to Jesus, “Rabbi, this woman was found in the very act of adultery, and under the law of Moses such women are to be stoned. What say you to this?”
Jesus replies, “That the one among you who is without sin may cast the first stone.”
A rock flies from the back of the crowd, striking the woman square in the forehead, killing her instantly.
Jesus stands, looks over the mob, and says, “Mom, sometimes you really piss me off!”
[I don’t particularly care for dead baby jokes, not because I find them offensive, but because most of them just aren’t funny. Here are a couple that made me laugh:]
How do you make a dead baby float?
Start with a blender and two scoops of ice cream…
What’s worse than a baby nailed to a tree?
A baby nailed to a puppy.
[Drum roll please…my favorite joke of the bunch, the one that made me laugh the most, and perhaps the tackiest of the lot:]
A Buddhist monk, a Jewish rabbi and a Catholic priest are in an orphanage when the fire alarm goes off. The Buddhist monk exclaims, “A fire! We must save the children!” The rabbi says, “Fuck the children!” The Catholic priest says, “No time!”
Now that I’ve shared all those, and maybe one of you is left unoffended, I have to ask: why do so many jokes come at the expense of one class of people or other? Many jokes play on cultural stereotypes and prejudices in order to derive comedic effect. Would the “How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?” be as funny — and it is funny — if it didn’t play on popular conceptions (and misconceptions) about feminists?
For the most part, I’m okay with this aspect of humor. True or gentle humor at the expense of a class of people seems acceptable. But why does it so often cross the line? If you read through the Defective Yeti joke thread, at some point the jokes stop being funny and start being offensive. And where is this line? Is it different depending on the audience? Depending on the teller of the joke?
What’s truly disturbing is how many of these offensive jokes use women as their butt. I live in some happy little world where equal rights for women have been achieved. Moreover, women are treated with respect. I’m fooling myself; upon reading through the 258 jokes it became clear that there is a hell of a long way to go yet. (And that racial intolerance is still with us, not to mention a great deal of homophobia.)
On 26 October 2004 (08:43 AM),
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On 26 October 2004 (10:02 PM),
Andrew Parker said:
On 26 October 2004 (10:52 PM),
On 27 October 2004 (07:23 AM),
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On 27 October 2004 (08:43 AM),
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